


How about That

by StupidGenius



Series: Tumblr AUs/prompts (Sterek) [4]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Mpreg, Pregnant Stiles, Tumblr Prompt, derek is an idiot who makes terrible jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-14
Updated: 2015-06-14
Packaged: 2018-04-04 07:45:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 936
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4130082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StupidGenius/pseuds/StupidGenius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Um, no." Stiles stood up, arms flailing as he spoke. "Cause, you see, I have a penis. And last I checked, penis people can't carry babies. I mean, logically, since his sperm entered me via asshole,-"</p><p>"Dude." Scott groaned, face a mask of disgust.</p>
            </blockquote>





	How about That

**Author's Note:**

> Anon asked for: How about "Derek likes to crack dad jokes to me well joke's on him cos he's gonna be a dad. Not now, Scott! In seven months, maybe?" AU

Stiles loved Derek. Really, he did. But since they've settled down, and the Pack started going off to college, he's learned one horrible, terrifying fact about him.

Derek made dad jokes. Like, a shit ton of them.

Not even his own father could make jokes that bad. They were terrible. Even more so than usual. And Stiles really wasn't in the mood to deal with them. He'd been sick all week, and had what could possibly be the world's worst headache. He was trying his hardest not to move from the kitchen counter, afraid his breakfast would end up on the kitchen tiles if he did.

"I'm going to the store. I'll be back in a few." Derek told him, kissing the top of his head. Stiles hummed.

"Don't forget we're out of steak." He mumbled.

"That reminds me. I found something yesterday I wanted to tell you."

"Hmmm?"

"A steak pun is a rare medium well done."

"Fuck."

He threw up in the sink.

 

* * *

 

"I'm sorry. I don't think I heard you correctly. For a second there, it sounded like you said pregnant." Stiles said, sounding somewhat hysterical. Deaton, however, looked totally calm, as per fucking usual.

"You are."

"Um, no." Stiles stood up, arms flailing as he spoke. "Cause, you see, I have a penis. And last I checked, penis people can't carry babies. I mean, logically, since his sperm entered me via asshole,-"

"Dude." Scott groaned, face a mask of disgust.

" - I'm assuming this thing is gestating in my colon. Which, you know, is where poop comes from. You know that, right? If that's where this baby is, then I won't be able to take a shit for the next nine months!"

"I can assure you, mr. Stilinski-"

"How's this kid even gonna be born?! Cause what if it's not in my ass, where did his spunk go?! How did I even conceive?! Did I, like, grow a uterus? Oh god, is my penis gonna fall off? Is it gonna go away?! I like my dick. My dick and I have had many fun times together."

"Stiles, I think-"

"This can't be happening to me. I mean, you guys are werewolves, and I'm magic, and Lydia's scream can literally break glass, but this is still the weirdest thing that's ever happened to me." He finished, panting. Deaton started looking through cabinets. "You sure I'm pregnant, and nothing some much more preferable and normal, like maybe, I dunno, sick?"

"Quite sure." The vet nodded, pulling out a few bottles. "This is not as uncommon as you'd think. You and Derek have been together for quite a while, and he's an Alpha. You're his Mate, your body probably went through certain changes over the years."

"So my dick is gonna fall off?"

"No." Deaton gave him a look. "If you're really that concerned about that, I can assure, all your parts will remain intact. And you'll still be able to use the bathroom."

"Oh." Stiles nodded, still feeling a little shocked. "Okay."

"These are vitamins. I suggest you take them. Werewolf children can be a bit taxing on the body."

"Right." He said numbly.

 

* * *

 

"I can't believe your pregnant." Scott said after a few minutes of silence. Stiles drummed his fingers against the steering wheel.

"Yeah, well, get in line." He huffed.

"You're gonna be a mom."

"I'm already a - hey! I'm a dude, I'm gonna be a dad, thank you very much. I already feel like a parent, trying to keep all you idiots from dying. You're keel over trying to tie your shoelaces if I wasn't around."

"You're a grouchy pregnant person." Scott giggled. Stiles sighed. "How are you gonna tell Derek? You guys aren't even married. You only moved in together six months ago."

"Not really helping, buddy." Stiles informed him. As if he wasn't nervous enough. He was 21! His birthday was only four months ago. Four months of legally being able to drink. That's all he got. And, yeah. He'd always wanted kids, but like, not now! Maybe ten years from now. And Derek - fuck, what was he even gonna tell him?

"Sorry."

"It's okay, man."

"Maybe you could-"

"You know what? He'll probably be glad. He tells all those awful jokes so much, now he'll have an actual reason. Ha!"

"Yeah." Scott eyed him warily.

 

* * *

 

"Derek." Stiles stood in front of his boyfriend, hands on his hips.

Deaton said he was probably six weeks along. Which made it impossible to tell when he actual.y got pregnant, because they fucked like rabbits. That'll be a great story to tell their kid. 'Not actually sure when you were conceived, kiddo, though I think it was when your papa fucked me up against my favourite tree in the preserve'. Christ.

"Stiles." Derek said, not even looking up from his book.

"Can you like, stop for one second. This is important."

"I'm reading." Derek frowned.

"And I'm pregnant." Stiles blurted. Derek nodded.

"That's gre-" he paused, eyes wide. "What."

"Oh my god." Stiles huffed. "You were really going to say 'that's great, honey' like those asshole husbands on TV. Oh my god. I can't."

"You're what."

"Pregnant. Hear that, dad jokes? You're gonna be an actually dad now." Stiles grinned. Derek smiled, looking up at him.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

 

* * *

 

**TEN YEARS LATER**

"Daddy?" Their son, Oliver, wandered into the kitchen. Stiles smiled at him.

"Hey, kiddo. Need something?"

"No." Oliver wrinkled his nose in disgust, turning to look over his shoulder. The Pack was in the living room, talking. "I'm escaping. Papa's making really bad jokes again."

Stiles laughed so hard he cried. 

**Author's Note:**

> My [tumblr](http://littleredtheboy.tumblr.com/). Come cry over Stiles with me.
> 
> want me to write anything? [Send me a prompt](http://stupidgenius.tumblr.com/ask).


End file.
